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Barbara’s 2016 Casa and pre-casa journals, all
Feb 25, 2016.
I have been here at the Casa almost 5 weeks and have barely written. I’m resting in my room, after surgery Wednesday afternoon and want to finally write. I write primarily for myself, and not to be literary; there will be typos and grammatical errors too.
I invite any readers to feel free to skip to page 4 where I’ll start with a brief entry from Feb 19, and then today. I’ll work backward to my arrival here. These first four pages are journals from the fall, very relevant to the story but not “current”. However, I’m going to reread those 4 pages now before I start to write.
August 30. I thought I had written this month (August) but it’s not here.
Last night I slept soundly for 7 hours!! (rare), and awakened free of any pain (also rare). My left shoulder especially felt open and pain-free. I felt the Entities present so after washing I laid down to meditate a bit. There was strong energy, Father John and others. After some time of meditation and centering, and work with the Entities, I did some of Dale’s (Feldenkrais) exercises with one knee bent/raised and raising that hip, shortening that side.
As I did this, I was reflecting on the elements and what imbalance there was. As soon as I lift the right hip, if done with a push from the leg, there is right thigh cramping and the elements move out of balance, especially in the belly, but also in the back. Air and water are locked out by too heavy an earth element in the belly, especially in the solar plexus area, but also in the lumbar spine. Relax the lift; breathe; invite elements into balance. With more precise awareness of the elements and just at the moment when theybegin to go out of balance, lift again; watch for any distorted tightening in the belly or back and bring the elements and chakras into balance. Envision a stream flowing from right hip to left shoulder, and in back, a river flowing up a down the spine. Now lift gently, using muscles of abdomen, back, & glutes as seem to be appropriate, and breath gently, keeping the energy open, elements balanced. Hold a few seconds; release; rest again. I did this for about 20 minutes, some on each side, and it eventually felt open and good. Raising the left knee, the element imbalance was more in the left lower abdomen near the spider bite area (brown recluse spider bite, June, 2013), blocked there, stagnant; no fire, no movement. That area was heavy so energy was not moving up toward the right shoulder. So I worked a bit differently with that, toning and bringing loving energy into that lower left abdomen.
I finished with this and then rested a while. I felt the presence of a new entity that gently took my right hand and brought it to my (still pain-free) left shoulder. I asked who she was (I experienced the entity as female although of course they are all androgynous). More about her below, but Father John sent her.
She asked me to lift my left arm, which was resting straight out on the bed. I could not do so without pain. Stop. She asked me to locate the back muscles connected to the shoulder and then, keeping the arm straight, to lift the arm just an inch but without strain or pain. After some experimentation I was able to do so. Next she asked me to also bring in the abdominal muscles. Lift the arm just one inch with no strain. Done. Next, bend my right knee as I have been doing with Dale’s exercises, gently lift the hip in the appropriate way, and simultaneously lift the arm up from the side to pointing to ceiling, as far as it can go with out pain, slowly and gently. I found it could raise it almost up vertical. Lower gently, then rest. She asked me to do this 5 times, resting between. No pain. She then asked me to repeat with the other arm. That one is easy, but she wanted me to use the correct muscles, bend the left knee.
Who is she? We talked a long time after I finished the exercises. Her energy was so gentle and loving, but also a bit timid. She felt “young” to me. I asked her if she had transitioned recently and why she was sent to me. She says I may share this.
She was a Christian nun, originally English, who lived many decades in India and worked with Mother Teresa. She was skilled and loving but always frustrated that she could not help people more, that there was so much suffering. She began to carry more and more of it on herself. Finally, in some ill health and growing old, she ‘semi-retired” and was sent to a convent in Brazil to carry on Mother Teresa’s work in a more sheltered and less stressful environment. There, about 20 years ago, she came toAbadiânia and met John of God (actually, she says now, she first met him when he came to the city, then was drawn to visitAbadiânia) where she spent much time over several years. She died a few years later (about 15 years ago) but her karma held her into a denser place, still caught up in “fixing” and fear. She has recently grown through that, with loving support, and is just starting to work with the Brothers and Sisters of Light. I am her first “assignment” or (she says) more correctly, she is my assignment as her teacher; through me she is to learn more patience and openheartedness. I pointed out that teaching and learning go hand in hand and we will help and teach each other. Our karma is intertwined. We thanked each other, offered our blessings to each other, and she left. I do find she is hovering around me all day though, eager to watch and sometimes asking questions, though not intrusive. Once today (when I was helping N move a lightweight pile of wood chips with a shovel and was moving in an unskillful way), she stopped me and coached me to move with more awareness of our morning exercises, lifting from back and abdomen. I look forward to getting to know her better. She asks to be called Sister Love.
October 7, 2015:
We returned home late Monday night from the cruise, which was lovely. I’ll add some brief journal notes here. I want to write about Montserrat. In August I wrote about my “invitation” from DomInácio but cannot find that journal (It also includes more of my experiences with Sister Love. Maybe lost with the fall computer breakdown. I’ll look for it, and rephrase very briefly below). Realizing that we would be in Barcelona and the proximity of Montserrat (of which I was previously unfamiliar until DomInácio’s invitation to come there), I arranged a day tour there. While meditating here in my office, with the Current, I hadheard an invitation from DomInácio to come, that he wanted to talk. I asked him why we could not talk here, and he said we could but the energy for the exchange was better there, to be patient and thank you for coming.
At Montserrat we went into the main room of the Basilica, and I was able to meditate there for about 45 minutes (I would have liked to stay longer but Hal and our guide were with me and I knew they couldn’t sit quietly much longer). By then, DomInácio said he and the other entities had conveyed the basic ideas, plus a very high energy “gift” ( I don’t know what else to call it, but his energy was so deep and embraced me totally, so filled with lovingkindness), and we could continue to talk once I returned home. After we left the Basilica, I went on to darshan with the Black Madonna. I was able to enter a back way with fewer stairs, hold her hand a few moments and look into her eyes. I thanked her for allowing me to be an instrument for her love, asked her to continue to help me to be a clear channel and to live with an open heart. Her energy was very powerful.
Back to DomInácio: First I just felt bathed in love and compassion. Finally, the thoughts came. These were picked up asthoughtsnot aswords,so although I am offering them as quotes, they are more the thoughts that I heard (and what I remember), put in to my own words like conscious channeling.
You ask support to be an ever-clearer medium. We respect and appreciate the mediumship you offer. You are an increasingly clear instrument. There is a further service that is more important, for others can channel, but you have the increasing ability to manifest what you learn. I ask you to model the remembering of wholeness, using the many tools you have practiced and inviting the wholeness to express. What blocks that fullest manifestation?
Here I had images of old karma, of old ideas of limits; “this is as much as I can do…I’ve done everything I can…” But I know this is a cop-out. One can always go deeper, release more, purify further. What blocks it?
I am urged to ask for and accept the loving support offered from Aaron, the mother, Fathers John and Kindness and all the other entities as I did years ago in the “council” asking help. I am asked to meditate for longer times and go deeper, then to manifest it. I wrote “Cosmic Healing.’ It is time to believe fully in the possibilities of healing and invite that manifestation, to release all blockage. Know it can be done, not think ‘maybe.’ Why do I still hold to limiting beliefs?
Oct 23 now on a plane heading to Seattle.It is freezing in the plane; maybe 40 degrees and getting colder now, half hour after take off.Maybe the heat is malfunctioning. The flight attendant just came through with blankets but they are thin and don’t do much.
These 9 days since my return I had a computer failure (now mac OS and microsoft office in battle) so no chance to write. I lost a lot of what would have been journaling and meditation time, and also lost a lot of material/ documents/ mail. I gained lots of practice with frustration! Back to the journal.
I usually process by writing; now I have had to process without the words or dialogues with spirit which have become a stable way of working. I have felt Father John and DomInácio, but less in words than energy. Father John has offered more guidance when I did my Feldenkrais and PT though, pointing out how to hold the body in more balanced ways and release unskillful habits of movement. Sister Love has also been here, often, to guide and help. A primary example of unskillful habits of movement is while walking, using the buttock muscles held tight, to support the body, rather than broadening the pelvis and lengthening the lower back for support. Moving this way there’s much less back pain and less knee pain too, and more stability, but those back muscles are not strong enough to do this for any length of time. PT and Dale have both given me some exercises to lengthen (Dale) and strengthen (PT) the muscles.
The last few days, I’ve been hearing spirit more. The past few mornings, lying down with crystals on the chakras (my home version of a crystal bath) with the Current, spirit has been supporting my understanding of theexperience of wholeness. I feel that high energy around me throughout the day, and when I walk, if there is pain, it is much easier to shift back into the painless (simultaneity of pain and painless), to just gently move the body out of the unskillful posture and into a more wholesome one and keep going, without the subtle stories of “I can’t”, “why me”, or other negative thought.
It feels like 2 things have happened. There has been a release of some long-term small darkness, that release supported both by spirit and by my intentions, and there has been a deeper opening to true possibilities and my intention to “climb the rest of the way up the mountain” and strong support to do it. It’s hard to explain; I’m just in a very different place. I know DomInácio and the Mother are helping, Jeshua and Aaron and many more. My whole energy field feels lighter and more joyful. I frequently picture myself walking with ease, hearing, seeing,; not as a grasping energy but just knowing it and moving toward it. “If it were not possible…” They would not ask me to do the impossible. All things are possible. There is a phrase, “with Christ all things are possible.” This doesn’t mean Jeshua will do it for me, but the knowing of and trust of the ultimate truth of inner Christ is what makes it possible.
This morning as I meditated with the Current, Dr. Augusto was working on me energetically when DomInácio came. Together they asked me to review with them everything with which I asked help, not just the top 3 things but everything. We started at the top of the head and moved down: improved memory, eyes; hearing; sinus; shoulders; lumbar spine areas with stenosis; bulging discs; digestion and abdominal muscles; knees; blood circulation in legs; diabetes; blood pressure; thyroid!!! He moved through slowly, asking me to truly envision each part functioning well; know that capacity, and with joy. Feel it. Offer gratitude to that body part for it’s ability to restore and renew itself. KNOW it! We took over an hour going through the body in this way, He asked me if I was committed to to this shift into wholeness, and with their support, and with this healing consecrated to the highest good of all beings, not just for the self, as we had discussed at Montserrat. I said yes. Did I now know it was possible. YES! Am I ready to release the obstacles, to “climb higher.” Yes.
Here’s what he asks, not in return for his help which is offered freely, but to takes steps to consciously support my healing for myself : that I journal regularly for my own benefit and so the changes and learning are documented for others; that I meditate daily for a longer period; that I set aside one full day a week starting November 1 after the weeklong retreat I will lead, when they can do intervention and I can rest for 24 hours after.
There are no doubts now. Just yes, yes, and again, yes.
Two months, no writing, but lots of practice! I promised this in October”that I journal regularly for my own benefit and so the changes and learning are documented for others;”I ask forgivingness and plan to start this week. I have done more meditation, but not enough. I have set aside the one day a week and felt spirit work deeply with me, often slept much of the day afterward. Four weeks now until I leave. I will not start any counseling with new people, only meet with each of my group about their intentions; I will focus on healing.
The biggest change has been the smartscoot. I hesitated a lot over buying this; it was over $2000, $2500 with the spare battery. It was a great investment. I see from here how I was falling into an ever-narrowing dark place. I never went out except to teach and to medical appointments or gym. I thought I had equanimity about the body conditions but see it was more resignation, closed and contracted.
The body changes have been ten steps forward, 9 ½ back, such slow progress and so many back-steps it was hard to see the progress. But there is progress, and even more, there is trust. This body can heal, is healing, and I trust the process. It is gradually growing stronger; pain is less frequent and less severe when it comes. Between all the wonderful caregiver support (Kathleen (chiropractic) Brodie (acupuncture), Dale (Feldenkrais) and Brandon (PT), and the amazing gifts from the many Entities, how can it help but return to wholeness? I see that when I swim daily, and do the PT and Feldenkrais on a regular schedule, there is more strength and less pain. But then a twist of muscle, severe pain, and I’m back 10 steps. More important than this day-to-day progression (or lack of) is the attitude, that is really grounded in the joy of using the smart scoot, and getting out, no longer holding the self image of this body as crippled but as whole with temporary distortions.
Jan 2, 2016: So much that’s not written in 2015…I’ll start where I am.
The shift from “broken and struggling hard to limit the damage” to “whole but with temporary distortion” is the major one. It’s an emotional/ psychological/ mental shift, but more important, it’s a shift at the cellular level. The cells are beginning to know and trust the wholeness.
On the one hand, the medical “experts” here, the spine specialist, the orthopedic specialist with knowledge of knees, all say I need back surgery and knee replacement surgery. On the other hand, knowing the ever-perfect!
Jan. 12, two weeks until I leave for the Casa. This week, a big slide back after some injury doing PT exercises; lots of pain. I almost cannot walk at all. It will heal! The scooter continues to be a joy. I am giving DomInácioone day a week.
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Feb 19, 2016:
On Wednesday I had my fourth surgery of this trip, one a week. Most years I have one, or at most 2 operations, so this has been different. The first one, I was sent to surgery by the Entity after going through the line. The other three: 1) all wheelchairs sent to surgery (I was on my scooter); 2) the Entity saw me in the main hall, pointed to me and said “operation now;” 3) entire revision line sent to surgery. But I knew I needed it so did not opt out. I’m very grateful for what they are doing,
I’m going to start with this week while it’s fresh in my mind and work backwards as much as I can remember, but this story builds on the past weeks so I may need to write, then cut and paste reversing the order. Surgery itself was short. I came back here, took a quick shower and got in bed about 3PM. I fell right to sleep until someone woke me bringing dinner. After dinner, I was in some pain, not severe, just aching lower back and sharp pain around the spider bite area that felt like stitches (again; this has occurred with each surgery). I asked for help and was advised to breath gently into the areas of pain. Eventually I fell asleep. I awoke to use the bathroom about 2 and the legs felt numb and like they would collapse if I tried to stand, just as happened after the second surgery. I want to be clear that this was happening often back at home, and this is only the second time while here. This is why I was using a walker at home; I never knew if I would literally collapse without something to hold, due to knee collapsing or the spine losing sensation. This loss of sensation and seeming temporary paralysis first happened three years ago right after the spider bite. My picture was brought to the Casa, and the Entity told Heather to tell me he would come that night and help. He did so; the problem stopped completely until this past year. It was at that time in 2013 that my doctor did the first MRI that showed the stenosis.
This time I lay on my bed until the sensation returned, used the bathroom. Again the Entity said “work in progress’ and sent me back to bed immediately. Breathing again. I slept for about 2 hours, then awakened with some pain and coughing.
I have remembered the wave accident many times but not to re-experienced it, the pain, shock and trauma as it was in that moment, the painful side of the near-death experience. Remembering is a step removed, perhaps a kind choice, but I realized that if the body cells are going to fully release the trauma and resume their wholeness, there has to be a willingness to go back into the experience, not to hold it a step away. That early morning, I got closer to the second half of the experience; the second impact, lower back hitting the ocean floor with great force; legs losing all sensation and ability to move. My face had hit first and the ribs were also broken as the surfboard broke into my rib/ sternum area, (first wave) and I was moving in and out of consciousness. This second stage of back impact is where the near-death experience came in, when my legs would no longer work so I was helpless in the strong current.
I can’t invite the body to release the trauma unless I allow that full experience, but there was still a small area of resistance. I felt Aaron and some of the Casa Entities with me, as indeed they were with me that day, holding me with their love. It allowed me to go fully into the second (back) impact experience and breath love to the damaged cells, to cease separating my consciousness from these damaged body parts. It was still hard; I literally shook with the effort. I cried. But in the end it felt like much was released and I slept soundly for several hours.
After breakfast, back to bed and it resumed, this time coming to the first part of the experience, the face impact, the shock and pain, the feeling of shutting myself off from the face, disconnecting, which I suppose was part of the survival mechanism. Moving in and out of consciousness, trying to reach the surface, intense pain…
Then I returned to the near death experience and the frightening side of it that preceded the beautiful parts of it.
Last night, lying in bed, …
Feb 25: I never got back to this and forget what I was planning to write. I think it will come back; but another week; another surgery, and I want to write this one before I forget.
After lunch and before the surgery, I was invited to come into Joao’s (office/ private area) to give him the group casa donation directly. Everything is freely offered here. (except we do pay for the pousada; private room with bath and 3 good meals about $30 US / day this year because of the good exchange rate and due to my group rate which is much lower than the individual rate because I guarantee them a large group. I’m responsible for the number of rooms I reserve so can lose money if people cancel or don’t register. So I do take that risk. I give 10% of the fee people pay me as a casa donation, unless people opt out (which they may do if they choose). So here I was with $2100 Casa donation. In past years I have simply given it to the Casa financial head. This year I was told he has retired and I may give it directly to Joao.
Joao’s son Carlos (who doesn’t speak English), another man, Antoine, who speaks English well though perhaps not perfectly, as translator, Terri to sign for me, and I went in. L shaped room, front hall just an entry with some straight chairs; inside a lounge chair on which Joao reclined semi-seated, tired from the morning I assume, and a blue semi-circular shaped sofa. Plain room; not much other ornamentation, though I did not look closely.
Communication was a little awkward as everything had to pass through the translator to Joao, then back from Joao to translator to Terri to me, so I was not really able to look at Joao and also look at Terri to get what was said. When we entered he smiled and said, “I have known you for many years.” After I gave him the money, and he looked at it and said thank you and that he will use it in Sao Paolo (in the soup kitchen he created there?) and gave it to Carlos to handle however. I thanked him and said I came a month ago in a lot of pain and barely able to walk. I had walked in and was standing (straight!). So I said there is a great improvement and I am so grateful for all you and the Entities do for me and everyone. He said with a smile; you are a Daughter of the Casa; we are working to help you and you will heal (like, why a surprise? You know as a Daughter of the Casa that this is just what we do here; to be expected; but said with a big smile). I thanked him and mentioned with a smile that when I first came 14 years ago, Dr. Augusto said “you will hear.” I know I will hear but am still waiting for that! He laughed and said; “we are helping you in every way” or something like that (this was like ‘whispering down the lane’. What he said may not be what I got in the end.) Finally, frustrated with the limits of language, I just looked deep into his eyes and we held that for maybe 30 seconds, a very deep energetic exchange with smiles. Apparently he then said, “I like you very much.” He was clearly tired and in pain so we said goodbye and left.
This surgery seemed the least physical of the five, and unlike the others, I did not sleep soundly for 20+ hours! (I slept about 15 hours of the 24 following surgery, with periods of meditation and just being awake.) Two non-physical or quasi-physical things to share. Somewhere during the night, I came half awake with the image of the day, of looking deep in Joao’s eyes. Then I was looking into his eyes. Dream, over-active imagination or real? It felt alive, not a memory. I have no sense of the length of time, but there was deep communication on the etheric plane, much easier with thought than in human bodies with words. Both shared about healing of karma, his work and the work I’m doing with remembering wholeness; the importance of kindness and self-honesty. He seemed to ask Aaron to say something about karma and it seems like I channeled Aaron in my sleep or semi-sleep, as I don’t know what Aaron replied but about karma. Looking at the clock later, about 45 minutes passed. It was very powerful. It’s private so this entry will suffice. Then I fell back to sleep.
At another time during the night I got up to use the bathroom; when I returned to bed, some worried thoughts came up about the trip home. It was originally Delta from Brasilia to Orlando, then Orlando to Detroit. Delta cancelled the first flight (they no longer have a presence in Brasilia) and rebooked me on TAM from Brasilia to Sao Paolo, then Delta from Sao Paolo to Detroit. There’s only 90 minutes between flights and i have to get from TAM to Delta with my luggage and pass through immigration. Coming, my scooter came with me and not as checked baggage, stowed at the gate and then returned for each flight. But I needed it then, with 5 hours between flights. Now, I don’t need it. Do I trust TAM to check it and get it through safely? Worrying! Ask Hal to check that it is insured!
Suddenly I was surrounded by spirits, embraced in very loving energy. Several tried to talk at once with different things to say; I requested one at a time and Aaron took over as speaker and facilitator. First, feel how ‘worrying’ impacts the body. Feel the subtle contractions, in back, in shoulders, in belly. Aaron reminded me of the practice I’ve been doing of bringing light into the spinal stenosis areas, and to observe how the contractions – even subtle ones – block that light. Some time (20 minutes) spent doing; opening and relaxing until light moved through freely. See it as an habitual pattern. I did notcause the stenosis with this pattern. I magnify it though, instead of releasing it.
Then Aaron began to talk more, nothing I have not already heard but old habits die hard! When I visualize something going wrong I am planting the seed for that occurrence and giving it energy. See it all flowing smoothly. Feel it! Offer gratitude for this smooth flow of events. Why would I need or want anything different?
“Trust God and tie your camel” Make sure I have adequate insurance so it is covered if it is lost or damaged., Then let go. It probably will come though fine but if not, then no problem. It will be replaced.
Feb 27. I leave today for home!
This morning I awakened feeling much joy and ease, having slept soundly and awakened free of pain. Gratitude! Spirit reminded me to open the pelvis and shoulders, not to contract anywhere. This bringing of awareness to any contraction, opening it (rather, going to where the contraction is not, resting there, and allowing/ inviting release of the mundane contraction), and drawing in light once space has opened has become the ongoing practice. I was instructed to move into meditation with luminosity as primary object, and once stable there, to move ever deeper into the source of that light; that Brilliant Heart of all Light and Love. I can’t go fully into it but at least as close as possible. Now breath that light into every cell of the body. Let it permeate everything. I did so for about ½ hour. Such joy to rest in and absorb that Light. I am that!
March 2, 2016:
Home 2 days ago. The trip was LONG, because of my cancelled Delta-Orlando flight and the need to fly TAM to Sao Paolo, adding 2 hours flying south and the same 2 hours back north, an 11 ½ hr flight Sao Paolo to Detroit. I had to collect bags from TAM in Sao Paolo and recheck at Delta counter with only an hour between flights (the TAM flight was late). Delta Sao Paolo had given my seat away! They finally figured it out and, boarding pass in hand, I reached the gate flying on my scooter as they were about to close it, flight attendant outside paging me and waving me on! But, I’m home. These were all minor complications! 11 ½ hours flying at once is too long for me though. Lots of body pain that I have not had for weeks, upon return. It’s gradually releasing, except for knee pain.
So what has happened in five weeks? It’s hard to say. A week ago inAbadiânia I was walking very well. Now my knees are quite painful and my back is more bent. Is it the result of the long and painful flight? I guess time will tell. The muscles are weak but free of pain. The terrible muscle cramps and back spasms have not shown up for over a month, even with movements that were causing them before. I do have a much better sense of the wholeness of the body. The ongoing practice is two-fold: deep awareness of the ever-present openness of the spine (and pelvis, shoulders, etc), and awareness of any subtle move to close energy to these parts of the body; Staying connected to the core of radiance (divine or paramatman light) and consciously inviting it everywhere in body, emotions, etc; watching for any place where I close off and moving attention back to the fact that the Light IS! It is the living practice, 24-7, of the simultaneity of relative and ultimate. When I’m connected to that Source, I know it! I feel it like an energy moving through me and filling me.
This morning was the first morning in 5+ weeks to awakenpost revision, (i.e., no stitches anywhere in the body from casa surgery). I had been waiting for this as now I may begin some exercise. (I have been swimming, but just that). When I got up, there was mild aching in the lower back, but no stenosis pain. I used the bathroom and returned to bed, and began very gentle movement with spirit’s guidance (Aaron and Sister Love). First, just resting in the current for 10 minutes, body fully relaxed. Then, (from Feldenkrais) bend one knee, foot flat; very gently lift that hip a small amount and reach that arm down toward knee, pushing very lightly with the foot, head moving with the arm. Hold a few seconds and then relax. Repeated about 10 times, slowly. Same move on other side. If any tension in muscles, pause, stretch out the leg and rest before resuming the movement. Breathe deep into the pelvis. That only happened once.
Next, a series of pelvic floor exercises (feldenkrais again; pelvic clock). Rest.
Both feet flat, knees bent; tuck up the pelvis, stretching the lower back, while keeping pelvis open. With back stretched in this way, do the pelvic clock again.
Rest completely. There were some tiny quivers of tension in the muscles. Open body; breath in Light, through the spine and into the stenosis area. I spent about 10 minutes just filling that spinal area with light, expanding the place where the nerves emerge pinched in any way, feeling it all open and relax.
Then repeat the above, both feet flat… Full rest again and drawing in spotlight, opening the space.
The whole process above was a little over an hour. Now, no pain at all. They say I may use the nu-step at the gym today, maybe 10 minutes, very slow and mindful, low leg pressure, along with swimming.
March 4: I never got to the gym yesterday; it was a full day until 5PM and by then, snowing hard so it didn’t choose to drive. I sat by the fire and read a good book, watching the beautiful snowflakes blowing out the window. This morning I have an appointment at UM hospital, made months ago, with a Dr. Daniel Orringer, neurosurgeon and spine specialist. At this point, the pain is gone after the 5 Casa surgeries. We’ll see what he says.
Back from the appointment. He is a nice man and a big Davy fan! His first words to me, holding my file, were, “Do you know Davy Rothbart?” (one of my three sons; I’m Barbara Brodsky Rothbart) He tested arm and leg muscles, looked at my back. After looking at the MRI resultsbefore he saw me, he had felt I was a candidate for the surgery; but after muscle testing and looking at my back, talking to me and seeing me free of pain, he thinks they did what was needed in Brazil. He asked many questions (only some of which I could answer) about the Casa. What did they do??? What is the surgery procedure there? There’s no incision? I described as much as possible and he did really listen. He suggested I start PT and we wait and see what happens. Right now, he repeated that it looks like the work has been done.
If I did need surgery, it is a long incision, maybe 10 inches. I’d be in the hospital about 4 days, then another 2 weeks for the incision to heal. I would be able to lie on my back, even with the stitches. PT after a month. He has done many of these operations and feels it would be successful if needed. If pain resumes, and I see him in a month, (early April) we could do it in early May.
I told him I hoped to never see him again except at a Davy RothbartFound Show. He laughed and agreed.
March 5: Knees continue weak though, and still collapsing on occasion. I’ll start PT this week, twice a week. This morning was my committed weekly session with DomInácio. Back to bed with my crystals, my home-made crystal bed with one carefully selected (by the entities) crystal on each chakra. During the session, once the energy was open, he asked me to feel energy and light moving down to the knees and feet, which have poor circulation. I felt something pressing the bottoms of both feet, inviting opening. Visualize this new skeleton with perfect circulation, perfect knees. See myself dancing and running! After an hour of intense energy, I slept for several hours
Now I want to go back to the first 4 surgeries, a summary. I have no notes and no clear memory of the order of events for the most part. Order doesn’t matter.
After sleeping the afternoon and evening of the first or second surgery, very early the next morning (2 AM) there was some communication. Resting in bed, I felt spirit’s presence and was asked to relax as fully as possible. After a few minutes I felt as if I could not move, like the body was paralyzed. Aaron asked me to move just one finger to see that I could move if necessary. Then be still. Give them the body! I was told that they were replacing my skeleton! The body needed to remain motionless. I did, and am uncertain whether what followed was in a state awake or asleep.
Later it was explained that they were replacing the etheric skeleton. Why? The image I was given was of going to a museum to copy a painting by a famous master. I would stand right in front of it and copy it precisely. Going to the ever-perfect and mirroring what is there is similar. This is like the akashic field practice. But what if there are many people copying that painting, and people copying the copyists, and the closest I can get is 5 rows back? Now, as I invite this body to replicate the ever-perfect body, I can’t really access that blueprint. Through this and many lifetimes of damage to the physical, and some of that distortion mirrored back to the ever–perfect, it just is not so accessible. What is needed, what they were providing, is a new and very accessible master image, so to speak, a new “ever-perfect” on which to base the akashic field practice.
Gradually the reality of the new body grew into my awareness over about 2 hours. Then I came more awake, and was invited to consider this new skeleton a section at a time. To “praise” it with gratitude, and to bring each part of the mundane body into contact with the etheric blueprint. The whole process was about 4 hours. Eventually I fell into a sound sleep.
Another week; another surgery. I always sleep the first 16 to 18 hours or so, and then some more conscious inquiry begins. I had been looking at what seems like a heavy blackness through the spine, and the need to bring in more light. I asked, what is the source of that blackness? I began to see a lifetime I’ve worked with a lot; the Tibetan monk, an abbot of a monastery perched on a hill above the village, and which had a flat open courtyard at the front. Invaders were coming into the land; the village head asked if the monks would fight. The abbot said not with weapons but in his own way.
He understood profound energy and light practices (dating back to Lumeria) and knew how to energetically surround a distortion in the mundane realm and prevent it from spreading. (I think of Obi-wan Kenobi waving his arm and closing the energy field so he could sneak by the enemy) He had taught his monks these non-dual practices. I have learned a lot from him about such practice. They are a foundation for the akashic field practices and those of simultaneity of relative and ultimate. I’m still a beginner though, in this Barbara consciousness. When the invaders arrived, the monks went onto the flat plateau in front of the monastery and began to play their big horns and dance. The invaders shot arrows and hit the monks. Most of the men were able to keep dancing at least for a while. The one who I was had numerous mortal wounds but kept dancing until the invaders decided he was a demon and they fled. At that point he simply dropped dead.
I had never considered the energetic and emotional toll of this effort. What he lacked was the understanding to make space in his heart for any pain, any fear, even for the damage to the tissue; so he locked that away too and it became imbedded in the cells, way back then. That trauma is still there. It needed to be freed.
I spent most of the day and into the next working with this process, and with gratitude for the profound assistance. It seemed I just spent hour after hour removing arrows from the spine (really, just seeing deeply into their nature, going to the place they were not, and inviting release) and allowing in light (the light that has always been there but that I couldn’t access because of the illusion of the arrow and all the implications of it), then offering thanks for this light, and then again…. Eventually it all felt clear. The arrows and the dark areas they marked were both physical/ cellular, and emotional. It points out to me the extreme importance to stay open to negative emotions without buying into their stories. It is that self-identification that invites the karma to stick. Then I spent many hours just inviting Light to pour through these wounds and through all the karmic wounds that followed the original. Forgiveness, grounded in compassion for self and all beings, brings healing.
Again, another week, another surgery. What still blocked the fullest light from reaching the spine? Once again, many hours of sleep and then some more conscious inquiry. As I lay in bed, in and out of sleep/ meditation, I was led back into the wave accident. I’ve reflected on this experience many times, remembered it, worked consciously with the body and emotions, inviting forgiveness and with gratitude for my survival after the near-death aspect of it. I have never deeply re-experienced the trauma. I find we do not always need to re-experience trauma; sometimes it’s too painful and going into the fullest experience is cruel. I still don’t understand when it becomes best to do so. I think the review is a natural process; if nothing blocks it, what needs to come up will do so.
The second part of the experience came to me first, not surprising as I was working with the back. In the whole experience; first my face hit the bottom, knocking me mostly unconscious, breaking the orbital bone around the right eye, and at the same time, the surfboard (one of those small body boards) broke in half into my ribs and sternum, breaking bones there. The second wave caught me backwards as I strived to reach the surface, pushing me back down on my back and tailbone. This is the part I reviewed first after this surgery.
I was in and out of consciousness from the face impact, in much pain with broken ribs, but still using my legs to kick. Then I was tossed again and landed so hard on my lower back that I lost all sensation below the waist, could not move my legs at all, but felt completely paralyzed. It’s similar to the feeling of occasional paralysis of the legs I have had the past year. I was still moving into and out of consciousness but now I could neither swim my arms because of rib pain nor kick my feet. This is when I began to drown for real, and went into the near-death experience. That near-death experience was beautiful and did in real ways draw my attention completely from the trauma that precipitated it.
Most of my friends know what came next. Within that beautiful tunnel of Light I was fully embraced with love. The further in I went, the brighter the light and the stronger the pull. It was home! I was told I could choose, to go on or come back to this present life. There was no dishonor to go this way. I have worked hard in this lifetime; but there is more to do and I may choose to return to life. They could not guarantee what kind of body I would have if I returned to it; maybe paraplegic. Maybe great pain. I chose to return, not out of fear but of love. My work here was not finished. As soon as I made that decision, I felt energy lift me to the surface, and sufficient support to shout for help. A swimmer heard me, saw my bleeding face; people came; the unconscious body was pulled to shore.
In meditation that morning, I was led to see how the body shut down with this trauma, closing out energy not just because of the injury but the very normal (I suppose) contraction, drawing in to survival mode and not allowing any energy into the spine, just to heart and brain, breathing and heartbeat. This is what the monk had needed to do to survive long enough to have the enemy leave; he encapsulated the injuries and gave energy only to heart and brain. I saw how, the past year when there was the severe muscle and nerve pain, I was withdrawing or at least blocking energy as an automatic response.
Revisiting the trauma, I spent some time crying, just offering love to this human experiencing such trauma. Then the entities began to coach me on how to open the energy field; how to bring divine light and energy into the back. After an hour or so of practice, I fell into a sound sleep.
After a while I awakened and we moved on, to the first part of the experience. This was even more traumatic because of the shock of the impact and severity of injuries, with no immediate travel into Light to balance it. I was happily playing in the waves, I was lifted, tossed, smacked into the bottom, I was drowning. As with the monk, my training seems to be important in some ways but foolish in others. There was mindfulness, compassion for the human, intention to reach the surface, not to fully black out. Any fear or contraction was completely put aside; I could not survive and open to that. But I never really came back to it and allowed Light in. It is almost what I did with my sudden deafness years earlier; “just note it and move on. Don’t linger there”. For the trauma of the deafness, I had to open to it to allow healing (No Eye, Ear, Nose…” in Susan Moon’s anthology “Being Bodies”)http://www.amazon.com/Being-Bodies-Buddhist-Paradox-Embodiment/dp/1570623244/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1457301581&sr=1-1&keywords=being+bodies
I saw that I had never done that with the wave. Now it was time. More tears, opening the heart, inviting in Light. There is no one in control; just the outflow of conditions. Loving-kindness and compassion are two of these conditions, when I am able to stay connected to them.
After this surgery, my ongoing practice has been just to remain connected to the Light. They say we teach what we need to learn. “Remembering Wholeness.” Whatever blocks the opening to Light, let it go. The Light and love are there. They are the source of all healing; other conditions are needed too, but without that Love and Light, the other conditions are insufficient.
I finally begin to get just an inkling of what healing is about.
The fifth and final surgery; I slept far less, maybe 14 hours of the next 24. I did more meditation; Spirit spoke with me about teaching and mediumship. Some very unstructured planning for future retreats and workshops. It was suggested that I have the capacity to hold both The mother and Jeshua or Father John in the body at the same time, both really incorporated but only one speaking or moving at a time. But in this way they don’t have to hand the body one to the other but can just flow back and forth; this would be much easier on my energy I am told, and also make them more readily available to each, according to need. We’ll do this in the next Remembering Wholeness session. Now I find that the March session wasn’t correctly scheduled and we don’t have the room reserved, so the first RW for spring will be in April. I don’t know what this is about but it will be fine.
Now, afternoon of March 6; some mild beginning twinges of cramping in the inner right thigh today. Each time I felt it, I lay down, relaxed completely, opened the pelvis and body, drew in light. Each time it has resolved completely and quickly. I see fear arise, “No! no back surgery”. Release the fear. All is well and all will be well.
March 11: I have had a week of physical therapy; all goes well.
This is probably the end of the 2016 Casa journal. I’ll add to it as private journal. DomInácio asked me to keep a journal to share with others, so I may post more too, if relevant.
For those who have inquired, my next Casa trip is Feb 12 through 25, 2017, with an extended third week to March 4. I arrive Feb 6 to set things up and have my own first week. A few very experienced Casa people who want a 4-week stay may come with me Feb 6 but I won’t be much available as a guide until Feb. 13. At this point, I will also leave March 4, staying just 4 weeks.